Get Rid of Guilt

Someone once said “Guilt is interest on a debt that need never be repaid.“
Guilt is an emotion that is limiting and draining. It is mentally and physically destructive to us. It is also harmful to those around us.

Many people spend their lives in anguish due to feelings of guilt and shame. We fear that if we were to expose our true selves, then no one will love us. We believe that no one will understand what it is we have gone through - in our lives and the way we operate. When we make what we perceive are mistakes, we isolate ourselves emotionally and in some cases literally. We think that we are the only ones who have experienced a particular situation and fear that we will be judged if we share our experience with others so many choose to suffer in silence.

So many people are brought up with highly religious backgrounds. Often, authority figures in religions teach more about sins or what you mustn't/shouldn't do than they teach about love or what's right and what you should do. Consequently many people feel guilty about simply being who they were born to be.

So how can you get rid of guilt?

Firstly it's worth remembering that all guilt is self-inflicted and created by the mind. It is a feeling that we choose to experience. The feeling is rooted in our ego; a fear of not being accepted by the peers in our social group. So many people try to ignore feelings or describe them as a psychiatric illness, rather than a part of being a human responding to the world. The easiest and best way to rid yourself of guilt is to:

Fully Experiencing the Feeling
As with overcoming any emotion, the best way is to fully experience it. Spend a few minutes in uninterrupted space, close your eyes, now fully and deeply feel the guilt surge over you. Witness it as a third-person. It will be scary at first and probably hurt a bit, but just go with it, it’s an experience that will help you overcome the feeling. As you fully witness the feeling, you will notice the feeling slowly fade away.

Seek to Understand Why
We know that there's more beneath the surface of why we feel guilt. Ask yourself why? Why are you choosing to allow guilt into your life? What is it about this feeling that is serving you and your ego?

Accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past.
You did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. Know that you were as good, loving, and effective as you could have been. If you were able to go back in time, you couldn't do anything differently because that's who you were and that's what you knew then. Constantly going over what you could've or should've done is pointless. If you can't go back to the past, then why are we spending energy on it?

Ask yourself the following question:
“Have I punished myself enough for what I did or didn’t do?” Since guilt is self-punishment, go straight to it and ask yourself if you want to keep suffering more, or are you willing to let it go? If the matter is closed and nothing can really be done to correct the problem, then the best thing that can be done is to forgive yourself and do better in the future.

Focus on What You Can Do Now
Instead of things you haven't done. Distinguish between what's right for you to do and what you do or don't do because you're guilt ridden. Don't let other people's values dictate the way you live your life. Decide for yourself what's important to you, what you value, or the way you wish to be. Don't expect to be pleasant, wise, and even-tempered at all times. It's normal to feel irritable or angry occasionally. Feeling guilty about negative emotions is futile.
That’s not to say we have carte blanche to behave any way we like regardless of other's feelings, but we do need to stop beating ourselves up for simply living our own lives.

Why being angry is bad news for the healing process

A fascinating article on the BBC website today:

'Anger control' key to recovery
Learning to control your anger may may also speed up the healing process after surgery, US research suggests.
The Brain Behavior and Immunity study indicates stress has a major impact on the body's ability to repair itself.

Nearly 100 participants were asked to rate how well they could control their temper, and the speed at which they recovered from a blister was monitored. Hotheads were more than four times likely to take more than four days to heal than mild-mannered counterparts.

The team at Ohio State University gave participants blisters on one of their arms and then monitored how the wound healed over the course of eight days. They were asked to fill in a questionnaire which looked at how anger was expressed - whether externally, by shouting at others, for instance, or internally, when one rages insides but keeps a cool exterior. They were also asked to judge their general ability to manage their anger.

Whether one directed one's anger externally or internally proved to have no bearing on recovery - what was crucial was just how much control the individual was able to exert over their feelings. Those with low anger control produced higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which was in turn, associated with delayed healing. "Such stress-induced delays in healing could increase the susceptibility to infection at the wound site, a process that fuels further decrease in the speed of repair," the team, led by Jean-Philippe Gouin, wrote. They suggested that therapeutic strategies such as relaxation, or even cognitive therapy, could help those at risk make a swifter recovery.

Bedside manner
The team sought to ensure the association between anger control and healing was not explained by other health factors by taking into account sleep, amount of physical activity and alcohol consumption. Four participants ended up being excluded because these details were missing, but for the rest of them, anger control still proved to be the most significant factor affecting recovery. The findings also tally with others in the field of stress and recovery.

One study for example found women caring for a spouse or parent with dementia took on average 24% longer to heal a wound than a control group. Another found that even marital spats could slow down recovery from a simple wound.

Steve Bloom, professor of metabolic medicine at Imperial College, London, said stress was now increasingly recognized as a factor in recovery rates. "Your body prioritises and sorts one thing out at a time, so if you are stressed - angry in this case - your body works through that before it gets on with the process of healing. "We've yet to see a study that categorically proves having an attentive, calming presence by your bedside actually speeds up your recovery, but the evidence is certainly pointing that way."

Building Up Your Confidence.

Self-confidence is about with how we feel about our abilities. But sometimes even the most confident person can feel that they are not good enough, or that they don’t matter. Being good at something may still not make you feel worthwhile. So building confidence is only one part of the story. Having low self-confidence can really have an impact on many parts of your life: how you think, feel, behave and it can also affect your body.
Some common things that happen when someone is lacking in confidence:
A person thinks or says...
"I can’t"
"That’s too difficult"
"I don’t know how"
"I won’t be able to handle this"
"It won’t be good enough"
"I just can’t decide what to do"

They can feel..
Apprehension and worry
Frustration and anger with themselves
Fear of the unknown, or of encountering new situations
Resentment of other people – "they seem to do it so easily"
Discouragement and feeling demoralised

A sufferer's behaviour can be...
More passive than active
They find it hard to make suggestions or put themselves forward
They avoid taking on anything new or making any changes
They are hesitant and require a great deal of encouragement

People lacking in confidence are often given away by their body because...
They tend to stoop, or retreat into themselves
They avoid looking people in the eye
They often fidget
They can be tense and nervous
They can be Sluggish or lethargic

People often feel less confident than they appear to everyone else. Confidence comes from the inside. A person can develop confidence with practice and a real desire to change. Practice at any skill makes it easier and it's no different with improving your confidence. Everybody makes mistakes while they're trying to learn something new, and if you let this undermine your confidence, this will get in the way of success. If you try to avoid all mistakes, you run the risk of ceasing to learn.

Over the years research has consistently proven these terrific ways to improve your confidence:

Acting confident: If you're faced with a situation where you feel lacking in confidence, for example a social gathering, first date or work meeting, imagine how you would behave if you felt really confident. Adopting the behaviour of confidence – the posture, actions and thoughts tells your body and unconscious mind how you want to be. This starts an upward spiral of increasing self-confidence.

Practice: Make building your confidence a habit. Try something new at work to develop a new skill and build your inner confidence.

Flexibility: If what you're doing isn't working do something else. People who lack self-confidence often feel they have to follow a rigid path to avoid pitfalls. But no two situations are exactly the same. The pitfalls are only in your imagination and the fear of going wrong will only hold you back.

Make the most of your mistakes: Mistakes are a lesson that we can learn from. That means we can avoid doing the same thing next time. Welcome mistakes positively, try not to repeat them and don’t let them knock your confidence.

Don't blame yourself: Instead of listening to a critical inner voice that has a go at you for past mistakes or failures, use an encouraging voice and make sure you can hear it loud and clear. This will help to bring out the best in yourself.

Be kind to yourself: This is crucial for building self-confidence. If you learn to treat yourself right instead of punishing yourself, your self-confidence will grow.

Ditch Perfection: No one is perfect, so don’t expect perfection from yourself or others. Don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it.

Visualisation: Use your imagination to show yourself managing a difficult situation more successfully. Top athletes use this technique to show their unconscious mind the results that they desire. You'll find that visual rehearsals boost self-confidence and enable you to take a more positive approach to a difficult task.

Be responsible for yourself: We don't have control over much of what happens to us during the day, but we have total control over how we interpret what happens. Always look for a positive take on every situation. It doesn't matter how bad a situation is, there are two sides to every coin.

It's also helpful when you visualise your confident self to have a favourite tune that makes you feel good. Whenever you feel your confidence wavering, sing or hum it to yourself. This reminds your mid and body to go right back to bringing back your confidence.

Road Rage - A Growing Problem

There was a really interesting programme on BBC1 earlier in the week discussing the growing problem of Road Rage.

It's a really strange thing isn't it? Most of us are rational human beings going about our normal daily lives and wouldn't dream of harming another person intentionally. Very often the perpetrators of violent attacks due to road rage were just ordinary people going home after a hard day at work. Often, the incident that caused the person to become enraged may have been something quite simple and even trivial.

Let's face it we all get annoyed sometimes. The difference is how we deal with it. We all have anger, it's an important human emotion and if we don't manage our emotions in the car then we can all be subject to extreme road rage. Something strange happens when we get behind the wheel of a car. The problem isn't unique to the UK, it's the same around the world. People can switch from a rational human being to a lower mode - a state Psychologists sometimes refer to as 'reptilian thinking'. If we perceive that we have been attacked by another driver then we flick into that 'reptilian' mode and it can easily escalate into a duel.

Usually it consists of a bit of shouting and the odd unflattering hand signal, but it can spill over into something far more dangerous - sometimes with fatal results. For example, a person may become so angry over an aggressive driving incident that he or she overreacts and retaliates with some type of violence. These violent acts can range from a physical confrontation to an assault with a motor vehicle or a weapon and have sadly, on occasions, even resulted in the death of one of the parties involved.

Half the difficulty is the awareness gap between what people consider aggressive driving in themselves and what they recognise in others. A recent survey and found that, on average, people say that 85 per cent of drivers are aggressive, but only admit to being aggressive themselves three per cent of the time.

If you get wound up when driving it might help to consider the following points:

1. You wouldn't get angry if someone stopped suddenly or changed direction without warning whilst you were out walking or cut in front of you with their shopping trolley at the supermarket. Why should it be any different now?

2. Roads are like “moving communities where the drivers around you are your neighbours, not your enemies. You'd most likely hold the door open for someone at the bank or shop. Why not hold the space open to let them through?

3. If something negative happens on the road, ask yourself the following question:

“Will it matter tomorrow?”

If the answer is no then ask yourself the following question:

“Will it matter in an hour's time”

When you think about it, it's extremely unlikely that it will. Why not let the matter drop now?

4. Tell yourself how much better it is to stay calm and rational, how much you prefer being this way, how you want to be more tolerant and supportive, and how you don’t need any hassles, etc. Congratulate yourself on overcoming your anger.

Have the courage to conquer your road rage! Make life on the road more enjoyable, more comfortable and safer for everyone.

Fix Your Broken Heart

So many relationships nowadays end with someone's broken heart. It's important to remember is that your heart will mend. We've all been there. I bet loads of people that you know have had their hearts broken in the past. Very likely they are absolutely fine now and one day you'll be fine too. But if you've just ended a relationship, right now it's probably hard for you to believe that.

Often only one person wants to end the relationship and that leaves the other person broken hearted. When a relationship ends for some it may take months if not years for them to recover. A broken heart can feel like the worst pain imaginable. It can also seem like it will never end - luckily it does.

Here are some things you can do to fix your broken heart.

Forgiveness.
The first step is to forgive yourself for all the wrong that you feel you did during the relationship and then forgive the other person for any wrong you feel they did. If you forgive then you can start to move forward.

Self-esteem
Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. See my article on self-esteem and how to rebuild it.

Getting over your first love
This can sometimes be difficult because we all think our first, real, magical,love will last forever. But we don't normally look at friends and their teen relationships and think that they will last forever. It's extremely rare for people to fall in love at 17 or 18 and stay with that person for the rest of their lives. But this doesn't prevent us from feeling that our own first love is magical, wonderful, special and unique. So when that love ends it can be utterly devastating.

But this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. We all need love, every one of us. It's the one thing that unites us all. People with love to give are attractive individuals that everyone of the opposite sex is looking for. One day, you'll look back at your first love and realise that it was tremendous practice for later relationships.

But right now...

Be gentle with yourself
A broken heart makes us feel utterly destroyed. Treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or an accident. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat well. Convalesce. Let other take people care of you, too. And, importantly, let yourself cry when you need to - even if you're a man. This gets rid of the pain and tension you're holding in and you'll feel so much better afterwards.

Get out and about
At first you may not want to see, but soon you'll find that there are some good things about being single. See your friends. Remember, they've most likely been there too. You'll find that this is an ideal time to do things that you didn't do with your ex-partner. Get a hobby that involves you meeting people, take an evening class. Most importantly GET OUT IN THE WORLD.

See how the relationship and the person for how they actually were.
Try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you've been wearing. There are always aspects of our past relationships that weren't right, and this is a good time to focus on them. Make a list of the things that you don't miss about your ex-partner. Right now you no doubt think that you love everything about them, but you don't. Nobody does - it's a simple fact of life! Perhaps they smoke but you don't or they break wind or have some other habit that bugged you. Maybe they put you down or made you feel stupid in front of your friends or theirs.

The Rebound
It's natural when a relationship ends that we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. DON'T DO IT!! Give yourself the gift of experiencing your single life for a few months. There may be times that you end up having sex (safe sex please!) with other people but your emotions will be fragile for a while. It's great to have fun, but don't go looking for anything serious until you have a happy, single life without thinking about your ex partner.

The Importance Of Positive Thinking

Hi everyone!
I read a wonderful story recently that beautifully shows how things can change once you let negativity start to invade your thoughts. If you imagine the worst in people and treat them accordingly then you're very likely to be proven correct. It's much better to expect good things of people, treat them positively and they will usually be good and positive in response.:

Murphy's Plough

McGinty, a farmer, needed to plough his field before the dry spell set in, but his own plough had broken.

"I know, I'll ask my neighbour, farmer Murphy, to borrow his plough. He's a good man; I'm sure he'll have done his ploughing by now and he'll be glad to lend me his machine."

So McGinty began to walk the three or four fields to Murphy's farm.

After a field of walking, McGinty says to himself, "I hope that Murphy has finished all his own ploughing or he'll not be able to lend me his machine..."

Then after a few more minutes of worrying and walking, McGinty says to himself, "And what if Murphy's plough is old and on it's last legs - he'll never be wanting to lend it to me will he?.."

And after another field, McGinty says, "Murphy was never a very helpful fellow, I reckon maybe he won't be too keen to lend me his plough even if it's in perfect working order and he's finished all his own ploughing weeks ago...."

As McGinty arrives at Murphy's farm, McGinty is thinking, "That old Murphy can be a mean old fellow. I reckon even if he's got all his ploughing done, and his own machine is sitting there doing nothing, he'll not lend it to me just so watch me go to ruin..."

McGinty walks up Murphy's front path, knocks on the door, and Murphy answers.

"Well good morning Mr McGinty, what can I do for you?" says Murphy.

And McGinty says, with eyes bulging, "You can take your bl**dy plough, and you can stick it up your bl**dy a**e!"

I thought today I'd upload some audio which deals with positive thinking:

Positive Thinking