Putting Old Ideas Out Of Your Life

When we are growing up we are told lots of things. We tend to be influenced mostly by our parents, teachers, relatives and friends. When we start working, co-workers and bosses teach us things too. Unfortunately, nobody is perfect and often what we are taught ends up hindering rather than helping. Sadly the people who loved us and wanted the best for us sometimes unwittingly led us down the wrong path.

It’s important to realise that those people did the best they could. They honestly thought that they were acting with your best interest at heart. The chances are though that they were teaching you how they viewed the world – it’s limits and it’s possibilities. However, what is right or true for one isn’t necessarily right or true for all. It’s useful for us to gain a different perspective.

It is amazing how people will defend the belief system that they have even when the evidence against is overwhelming. Their ego tells them that changing will mean admitting that they or even worse, the people that they love dearly are wrong. This is something that most people can’t do. They would rather struggle through life repeating the same patterns of belief or behaviour that’s been duplicated for generations. This is why most people tend to lead unfulfilled lives.
An example of this phenomenon occurred in Japan. In the 1980s, Japanese managers were widely praised as role models for leadership behaviour. Books were written and "benchmarking trips" were organized so that leaders from around the world could learn from their success. Unfortunately, the style that worked in the 1980s did not work in the 1990s. Rapid changes in technology, the economy, the role of manufacturing and the workforce made the Japanese management approach far less desirable. It has taken two decades for many Japanese leaders to admit that their previous approach was no longer working and accept that change was needed.

Only a small percentage of people take the time to question what ideas they are carrying in their heads and how they got there. But by doing this you open yourself to releasing the patterns that invariably hold you back. If you really want to create the life that you truly deserve, it’s going to require you letting go of all those ideas that keep you from achieving it.
Successful people operate under an entirely different set of ideals to people who struggle through life. Here are 10 common beliefs of some of the most successful people I’ve met.

1. I believe I am 100% responsible for my own life.
2. Whether I believe I can or I can’t my results equal my belief.
3. I believe failure is a great teacher that leads me closer to success.
4. I believe no task is too small to give my best effort.
5. I believe it's what I know and who I know.
6. I believe in asking "What can I do right now to make things better?"
7. I believe in valuing and respecting self and others equally.
8. Whether I look for opportunities or obstacles I find what I’m looking for.
9. I believe in something greater than myself.
10. I control my thoughts, my thoughts control my beliefs, my beliefs control my actions, my actions create my success or failure.

Take a look at the beliefs that you have concerning love, happiness, relationships, money, success, debt, and motivation. Are there some ideas you hold that are currently holding you back?

If wealth is a goal of yours, why haven't you achieved it? What is it that you are missing? Do you think that it is too hard? Is it really any harder to be wealthy than to work for someone else?

Do you believe that you have what it takes to be successful? Is the way that you view yourself keeping you from moving forward? What role does fear play in your life? Is the idea that you will fail preventing you from acting? What if you believed that failure was not possible? How would that change you life?

Keep asking yourself these types of questions until you uncover what ideas are hindering your path to your dream life. Once you’ve uncovered those ideas ask yourself, “Is this belief really true?” Usually, you will discover that your limiting beliefs are baseless and that they were just implanted in your mind by someone else who themselves were never successful. Ask yourself, “What will happen if I continue living with that belief? And what will happen if I replaced this belief with a strong, supporting one?” Powerful questions can covert an average person to a success champion.

Get Rid of Guilt

Someone once said “Guilt is interest on a debt that need never be repaid.“
Guilt is an emotion that is limiting and draining. It is mentally and physically destructive to us. It is also harmful to those around us.

Many people spend their lives in anguish due to feelings of guilt and shame. We fear that if we were to expose our true selves, then no one will love us. We believe that no one will understand what it is we have gone through - in our lives and the way we operate. When we make what we perceive are mistakes, we isolate ourselves emotionally and in some cases literally. We think that we are the only ones who have experienced a particular situation and fear that we will be judged if we share our experience with others so many choose to suffer in silence.

So many people are brought up with highly religious backgrounds. Often, authority figures in religions teach more about sins or what you mustn't/shouldn't do than they teach about love or what's right and what you should do. Consequently many people feel guilty about simply being who they were born to be.

So how can you get rid of guilt?

Firstly it's worth remembering that all guilt is self-inflicted and created by the mind. It is a feeling that we choose to experience. The feeling is rooted in our ego; a fear of not being accepted by the peers in our social group. So many people try to ignore feelings or describe them as a psychiatric illness, rather than a part of being a human responding to the world. The easiest and best way to rid yourself of guilt is to:

Fully Experiencing the Feeling
As with overcoming any emotion, the best way is to fully experience it. Spend a few minutes in uninterrupted space, close your eyes, now fully and deeply feel the guilt surge over you. Witness it as a third-person. It will be scary at first and probably hurt a bit, but just go with it, it’s an experience that will help you overcome the feeling. As you fully witness the feeling, you will notice the feeling slowly fade away.

Seek to Understand Why
We know that there's more beneath the surface of why we feel guilt. Ask yourself why? Why are you choosing to allow guilt into your life? What is it about this feeling that is serving you and your ego?

Accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past.
You did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. Know that you were as good, loving, and effective as you could have been. If you were able to go back in time, you couldn't do anything differently because that's who you were and that's what you knew then. Constantly going over what you could've or should've done is pointless. If you can't go back to the past, then why are we spending energy on it?

Ask yourself the following question:
“Have I punished myself enough for what I did or didn’t do?” Since guilt is self-punishment, go straight to it and ask yourself if you want to keep suffering more, or are you willing to let it go? If the matter is closed and nothing can really be done to correct the problem, then the best thing that can be done is to forgive yourself and do better in the future.

Focus on What You Can Do Now
Instead of things you haven't done. Distinguish between what's right for you to do and what you do or don't do because you're guilt ridden. Don't let other people's values dictate the way you live your life. Decide for yourself what's important to you, what you value, or the way you wish to be. Don't expect to be pleasant, wise, and even-tempered at all times. It's normal to feel irritable or angry occasionally. Feeling guilty about negative emotions is futile.
That’s not to say we have carte blanche to behave any way we like regardless of other's feelings, but we do need to stop beating ourselves up for simply living our own lives.

Taking Back Your Power

Do you wish you could stop letting people walk all over you? Some people let their family, friends, partners or bosses routinely disrespect them. They tell themselves they deserve to be respected and deserve better than that, and for once, to do what they would like. However, when they get in situations where they have to make a decision they always let the other person win. Sometimes people who allow themselves to be used will lend items or money to others which are never returned. The person can very often be afraid to ask for them back.

A friend of mine is having a problem with her neighbour. It's only small niggling things that the neighbour is doing but it's been going on for a while and isn't showing any sign of stopping any time soon. I asked my friend why she won't confront the neighbour and simply ask them to stop. She told me that she doesn't want to create a fuss because she has to live next to her and she doesn't want any bad feeling between them. It's strange isn't it how we'll suffer in silence because we want a relationship to continue but are unsure about the consequences of standing up for ourselves.

This 'doormat' type of behaviour results in our allowing others to determine what happens in our lives. It causes feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and poor self-esteem. We may also be angry and depressed at letting others control us which traps the thoughts and feelings we have inside us. These unexpressed emotions can lead to stress and its resulting physical problems.

We all really want to be liked by everybody. Some people find it difficult to make friends. Very often the reason that a person fails to stand up for themselves with a friend or partner is that they're afraid of being alone. Because of that they'll do anything to please the other person so they won’t leave them.

The American TV presenter Dr. Phil once said "You teach people how to treat you." So .. if you let people walk over you and disrespect you, then you've just taught them that you're a person who will take whatever garbage they feel like throwing your way”.

Assertiveness means expressing our own needs, wants, and basic rights as a person without violating the rights of others. Assertive behaviour shows that we respect others and ourselves, and, in turn, elicits respect from others. It also promotes self-confidence, self-control, and feelings of positive self-worth. Being assertive is the most effective way to solve interpersonal problems because it's direct - we confront the source of the problems, enabling our message to be heard without distortion.

So how can you learn to stand up for yourself?

Change your body language
Our body language is 70% of our communication. If someone's making you feel small the usual response is to fidget or start to nod, shrug your shoulders or even offer pathetic, apologetic smiles. This show that you are about to surrender. You've lost the battle before you've even started. It's crucial to give no body language clues as to how you're actually feeling. Stand or sit upright with your legs slightly apart. Direct all of your energy into your abdomen, feel yourself rock solid.

Look the person in the eye. This shows people that you don't intend to be brushed off. If you find this difficult then look directly at the bridge of their nose or between their eyebrows. It will look to them like you are looking right into their eyes. Wait until they’re finished before you respond; don’t even bother trying to interrupt them. This is their opportunity to speak, so give it to them - just make certain that when your chance to respond comes, that you insist that nobody interrupts you.

Speak in first-person terms
Keeping your language direct and from your own point of view. Say, “I disagree” or “I won’t” or “I think.” This prevents you from launching personal attacks on others. This is about defending your actions, motives or opinions against frivolous attacks by others that try to minimise you. Being assertive does not mean that you should be rude. People are more willing to help and bend for someone who is both direct and respectful.

Don't say “I'm sorry but...” when you start to speak. Never apologise for simply standing up for yourself; you can apologise later for saying something in the heat of the moment that you didn't want to say but never apologise for defending yourself. Also leave out any references to you “finally standing up” for yourself; you should have no cause to explain.

Drop your tone of voice when finished speaking
When you want to stand up for yourself, the correct tone of voice is crucial. It’s the difference between being heard, commanding respect or simply being ignored.

Try hard not to stutter, mumble or speak softly. Use a clear, calm voice. You don't need to be loud, but you do need to make yourself heard.

Most importantly, don't finish what you are saying by raising the tone of your voice because this could undermine all your hard work. It turns what you've said from a statement into a question, and you aren’t asking anyone anything, you’re telling them. Finish what you are saying by dropping your voice down a tone from whatever level you’re speaking. Just doing this gives your words an unmistakable authority. You mean [drop the tone] what you say.

Bring the situation to an end
Someone else started this but you're going to finish it. If this means you need to stand up for yourself by delivering an ultimatum and you can afford to do so, do it: “I’m not going to change my mind on this; take it or [drop the tone] leave it.”

Most people who treat others disrespectfully - from bosses to pushy partners neither expect resistance nor know what to do when their confronted with it. It scrambles their program completely. Reassert your position if necessary, and appear as uncooperative and as unreasonable as the situation merits. However, if you're dealing with a boss it may be best to be a bit less uncooperative Perhaps suggest your own solution or, if you can live with it, a compromise.

We're all brought up to be polite, but there are times when you have to forget what your mother told you and raise your voice. Remember, the only power that anyone has over you is the power that you allow them to have. Keep your power for yourself. Life is so much better when you are treated with respect and you deserve it!