A friend of mine is having a problem with her neighbour. It's only small niggling things that the neighbour is doing but it's been going on for a while and isn't showing any sign of stopping any time soon. I asked my friend why she won't confront the neighbour and simply ask them to stop. She told me that she doesn't want to create a fuss because she has to live next to her and she doesn't want any bad feeling between them. It's strange isn't it how we'll suffer in silence because we want a relationship to continue but are unsure about the consequences of standing up for ourselves.
This 'doormat' type of behaviour results in our allowing others to determine what happens in our lives. It causes feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and poor self-esteem. We may also be angry and depressed at letting others control us which traps the thoughts and feelings we have inside us. These unexpressed emotions can lead to stress and its resulting physical problems.
We all really want to be liked by everybody. Some people find it difficult to make friends. Very often the reason that a person fails to stand up for themselves with a friend or partner is that they're afraid of being alone. Because of that they'll do anything to please the other person so they won’t leave them.
The American TV presenter Dr. Phil once said "You teach people how to treat you." So .. if you let people walk over you and disrespect you, then you've just taught them that you're a person who will take whatever garbage they feel like throwing your way”.
Assertiveness means expressing our own needs, wants, and basic rights as a person without violating the rights of others. Assertive behaviour shows that we respect others and ourselves, and, in turn, elicits respect from others. It also promotes self-confidence, self-control, and feelings of positive self-worth. Being assertive is the most effective way to solve interpersonal problems because it's direct - we confront the source of the problems, enabling our message to be heard without distortion.
So how can you learn to stand up for yourself?
Change your body language
Our body language is 70% of our communication. If someone's making you feel small the usual response is to fidget or start to nod, shrug your shoulders or even offer pathetic, apologetic smiles. This show that you are about to surrender. You've lost the battle before you've even started. It's crucial to give no body language clues as to how you're actually feeling. Stand or sit upright with your legs slightly apart. Direct all of your energy into your abdomen, feel yourself rock solid.
Look the person in the eye. This shows people that you don't intend to be brushed off. If you find this difficult then look directly at the bridge of their nose or between their eyebrows. It will look to them like you are looking right into their eyes. Wait until they’re finished before you respond; don’t even bother trying to interrupt them. This is their opportunity to speak, so give it to them - just make certain that when your chance to respond comes, that you insist that nobody interrupts you.
Speak in first-person terms
Keeping your language direct and from your own point of view. Say, “I disagree” or “I won’t” or “I think.” This prevents you from launching personal attacks on others. This is about defending your actions, motives or opinions against frivolous attacks by others that try to minimise you. Being assertive does not mean that you should be rude. People are more willing to help and bend for someone who is both direct and respectful.
Don't say “I'm sorry but...” when you start to speak. Never apologise for simply standing up for yourself; you can apologise later for saying something in the heat of the moment that you didn't want to say but never apologise for defending yourself. Also leave out any references to you “finally standing up” for yourself; you should have no cause to explain.
Drop your tone of voice when finished speaking
When you want to stand up for yourself, the correct tone of voice is crucial. It’s the difference between being heard, commanding respect or simply being ignored.
Try hard not to stutter, mumble or speak softly. Use a clear, calm voice. You don't need to be loud, but you do need to make yourself heard.
Most importantly, don't finish what you are saying by raising the tone of your voice because this could undermine all your hard work. It turns what you've said from a statement into a question, and you aren’t asking anyone anything, you’re telling them. Finish what you are saying by dropping your voice down a tone from whatever level you’re speaking. Just doing this gives your words an unmistakable authority. You mean [drop the tone] what you say.
Bring the situation to an end
Someone else started this but you're going to finish it. If this means you need to stand up for yourself by delivering an ultimatum and you can afford to do so, do it: “I’m not going to change my mind on this; take it or [drop the tone] leave it.”
Most people who treat others disrespectfully - from bosses to pushy partners neither expect resistance nor know what to do when their confronted with it. It scrambles their program completely. Reassert your position if necessary, and appear as uncooperative and as unreasonable as the situation merits. However, if you're dealing with a boss it may be best to be a bit less uncooperative Perhaps suggest your own solution or, if you can live with it, a compromise.
We're all brought up to be polite, but there are times when you have to forget what your mother told you and raise your voice. Remember, the only power that anyone has over you is the power that you allow them to have. Keep your power for yourself. Life is so much better when you are treated with respect and you deserve it!
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