Negotiating So Both Sides Win

It doesn’t matter whether you are negotiating a pay rise with your boss, negotiating with a seller or buyer or sorting out who has the kids and when with your ex-partner, there are rules you need to follow to get the most out of a negotiation.

The aim of win-win negotiation is to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties, and leaves both parties feeling that they've won, in some way, after the event.

Here’s how it’s done:

Make sure you know what you want and what the other side wants.
This might seem obvious, but most of the time people don’t know what they want. Often in a dispute both parties are so angry that they haven’t even asked themselves how the issue can be resolved. If they don’t know what they want, how can they begin to set about getting it?

Depending on how complex the situation is, you should take the time to make a detailed plan of exactly what you want. It’s useful to ask the following questions:
What are my objectives? What does the other party want? What information could influence the outcome? How am I going to achieve my objectives?
Incidentally, you also need to decide what concessions you can make - in other words what you are willing to give up in order to get what you want. You can usually get what you want if you are willing to pay the price for it. Don’t ever begin a negotiation without knowing exactly what you want.

If The Other Side Is More Powerful Than You - Always Have a Plan B.
This is known as a BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) It is a really important strategy to always have a backup plan. It’s a good idea to ask yourself questions that start with “how” or “what if?” - What if the other party likes this? What if they reject this? How can I sweeten the deal? How can I close the deal? Try to come up with some alternatives that will help seal the deal. Having a Plan B gets easier the more you negotiate. It becomes a way to be flexible and react to what the other side wants and think fast on your feet. The person with the most flexibility in a situation will always prevail.

Separate People from the Problem
It’s critical to address problems, not personalities and avoid the tendency to attack the other side personally; if the other person feels threatened, he defends his self-esteem and makes attacking the real issue more difficult. Both parties must acknowledge the fact that certain emotions are present, even when they don't see those feelings as reasonable. Dismissing another's feelings as unreasonable is likely to provoke an even more intense emotional response. Allow the other side to express their emotions without reacting emotionally to outbursts. Symbolic gestures such as apologies or an expression of sympathy can help to defuse strong emotions. Make sure you send signals that you know the conflict is about the issues at hand and not personal. This will help to prevent the other side from getting defensive.
Focus on interests not positions

Here’s an example:

There were two men in an office arguing about how wide a window should be opened. There was no solution until the manager asked the first man “ Why do you want it open? “
He answered “For fresh air”. She asked the second man “Why do you want it closed? “
He answered “To avoid a draught”.
Her solution was to open the window in the next room wide open. This allowed the influx of fresh air without a draught. Both party’s interests were satisfied without losing out to the other.

Use an Objective Standard if possible
How do you convince someone that your proposal is ‘fair’? Fairness is a subjective concept and people have different ideas of fairness. Just because you think something is fair doesn’t mean the other person will think it’s fair. One suggestion is to look to comparables or objective criteria, because people are more persuaded by an objective standard than by you saying that you think something is fair. Objective standards are criteria that are outside the specific negotiation; something both sides can look at and agree is fair. For example, if you’re buying or selling a house, you would want to know what similar houses have sold for recently. ‘Objective criteria’ needs to be independent of each side's will.

Invent options for mutual gain.
A good negotiator is creative. It’s important to broaden the options on the table rather than look for a single answer. One idea is to have a brainstorming session in your negotiation where all involved try to come up with creative ideas. It’s important to set two ground rules: first, no criticism is allowed of the options that are being generated;
second, no commitment to the options – they are options, not offers.

If we free ourselves from having to worry about whether an option is a good one, we’re more likely to come up with creative options.

Remember the men in the office? The only option they saw was opening or closing the window in the room they were both sitting in. In fact, there are many options: borrow a sweater, open a window in another room, move to a different spot, etc.

Search for mutual gain. In a negotiation, both sides can be worse off and both sides can gain. Remember, this is not about "I win" and "you lose".

Invent ways of making the other party's decisions easy.
Since a successful negotiation requires both parties to agree, make it easy for the other side to choose. This is where putting yourself in the other person's shoes can be very valuable. What might prevent "Jim" from agreeing? Can you do anything to change those things?

Finally,

There are the three words we want to hear even more than “I Love you”. We love to hear those magic words, “You are right”. For some people, this is even harder to say than “I love you”. When someone says, “It is the principle that counts” or “It is not the money, it’s the principle!” the negotiation is in trouble. That is because the party is making a decision that it is more important to be a martyr than settle the dispute. When someone is obsessed with the principle of a situation, they are still emotionally vested in their feelings. Unless you can get beyond those emotions, the dispute is not likely to be resolved. The most important thing to remember in negotiation is that You don’t have to be right to settle.

Using an Indian Talking Stick

Communicating thoughts and ideas with others can be a problem. Others may disagree with you and have suggestions of their own that they wish to eagerly air. Sometimes you get a group of people at a meeting all shouting at once or a family dispute with all trying to get you to agree with them and not listening to your point of view. The Native Americans had a remedy for this by using something called a talking stick.

Sticks were important to the early American Indians. Sticks were used to plant corn, to beat drums, as pipes and flutes, as walking aides, and as weapons.

The Talking Stick

The Talking Stick was taken to council meetings or gatherings and used as a symbol of the speaker's importance. The person doing the talking or teaching would bring his or her own Talking Stick but if responses were called for or were sought by the speaker the stick could be passed on to others and they, too, would be given respect and attention. Often, an "Answering Feather" was used. The feather would be passed to persons wanting to respond to the main talker.

Here’s how this idea can be used in any dispute or meeting situation:

Any item can be designated for use as an Indian talking stick if one is not available. Use a feather, pen or pencil, rock or shell. What is important is that the object is designated as empowering the speaker with the right of uninterrupted speech.

When using an Indian talking stick it is important for all to agree that the individual who has the stick is to be allowed to speak without interruption until they are finished.

Perhaps you could design a family talking stick. It can be a thick tree branch decoratively wrapped with leather straps or a fluffy magic wand made of lace, beads and glitter. It can be a twig of any length. It can be plain or decorated with feathers and ribbon. Each family member can participate in the designing one stick for everyone’s use or each family member can have an individual talking stick. Designate a special place to store the family’s talking sticks so everyone knows where it is when it’s needed.

Decide when to use the talking stick. A talking stick can be used at family meetings or spontaneously when members want to express themselves. Talk about how your family or team want to incorporate this communication tool.

Take turns with the talking stick. At meetings each person takes a turn holding the stick. The person holding the stick has the floor until they’ve said all that they want to say. As long as the person is holding the stick, no interrupting is allowed. The talking stick gives the speaker a chance to reveal all of his concerns. When the speaker has said all that he wants to say, he holds out the talking stick and whoever wishes to speak next takes it. The stick is passed from one person to another until everyone has had an opportunity to speak. If a person wants to use the stick spontaneously, that means that the family listens closely to what is being expressed.

Demonstrate respect for the talking stick holder. The person holding the stick has accepted the right to speak and does so respectfully. The stick represents the group’s respect for free speech. The stick implies freedom to speak honestly without fear of judgment, humiliation or consequences. No one is judged or put down for speaking from the heart.

Honour the words. The talking stick is a symbol of the power of words. The person who is talking must not dishonor him/herself or the tradition by speaking in a way that dishonors the family. When a person accepts the stick he makes an agreement to speak with honor and respect for the process. The person speaks clearly and kindly.

Incorporate silent listening. No one talks until they’re holding the stick. This silent listening is very effective in keeping the discussion focused and is a respectful, productive way of handling disagreements.

Show consideration for the process. A talking stick is not magic, but the process of the talking stick is powerful and transformative. The magic happens through listening, hearing, and hearing over and over again without threats or lambasting, without rebuttal or criticism.

Remember, only the person with the stick can speak and no one may interrupt or speak until the stick is passed to them.

This simple tool allows everyone to feel valued and listened to. It allows everyone the chance to everybody else’s viewpoint making resolutions and agreements much easier to reach. It’s worked for the Native Americans for hundreds of years. It can work for your group too.