Negotiating So Both Sides Win

It doesn’t matter whether you are negotiating a pay rise with your boss, negotiating with a seller or buyer or sorting out who has the kids and when with your ex-partner, there are rules you need to follow to get the most out of a negotiation.

The aim of win-win negotiation is to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties, and leaves both parties feeling that they've won, in some way, after the event.

Here’s how it’s done:

Make sure you know what you want and what the other side wants.
This might seem obvious, but most of the time people don’t know what they want. Often in a dispute both parties are so angry that they haven’t even asked themselves how the issue can be resolved. If they don’t know what they want, how can they begin to set about getting it?

Depending on how complex the situation is, you should take the time to make a detailed plan of exactly what you want. It’s useful to ask the following questions:
What are my objectives? What does the other party want? What information could influence the outcome? How am I going to achieve my objectives?
Incidentally, you also need to decide what concessions you can make - in other words what you are willing to give up in order to get what you want. You can usually get what you want if you are willing to pay the price for it. Don’t ever begin a negotiation without knowing exactly what you want.

If The Other Side Is More Powerful Than You - Always Have a Plan B.
This is known as a BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) It is a really important strategy to always have a backup plan. It’s a good idea to ask yourself questions that start with “how” or “what if?” - What if the other party likes this? What if they reject this? How can I sweeten the deal? How can I close the deal? Try to come up with some alternatives that will help seal the deal. Having a Plan B gets easier the more you negotiate. It becomes a way to be flexible and react to what the other side wants and think fast on your feet. The person with the most flexibility in a situation will always prevail.

Separate People from the Problem
It’s critical to address problems, not personalities and avoid the tendency to attack the other side personally; if the other person feels threatened, he defends his self-esteem and makes attacking the real issue more difficult. Both parties must acknowledge the fact that certain emotions are present, even when they don't see those feelings as reasonable. Dismissing another's feelings as unreasonable is likely to provoke an even more intense emotional response. Allow the other side to express their emotions without reacting emotionally to outbursts. Symbolic gestures such as apologies or an expression of sympathy can help to defuse strong emotions. Make sure you send signals that you know the conflict is about the issues at hand and not personal. This will help to prevent the other side from getting defensive.
Focus on interests not positions

Here’s an example:

There were two men in an office arguing about how wide a window should be opened. There was no solution until the manager asked the first man “ Why do you want it open? “
He answered “For fresh air”. She asked the second man “Why do you want it closed? “
He answered “To avoid a draught”.
Her solution was to open the window in the next room wide open. This allowed the influx of fresh air without a draught. Both party’s interests were satisfied without losing out to the other.

Use an Objective Standard if possible
How do you convince someone that your proposal is ‘fair’? Fairness is a subjective concept and people have different ideas of fairness. Just because you think something is fair doesn’t mean the other person will think it’s fair. One suggestion is to look to comparables or objective criteria, because people are more persuaded by an objective standard than by you saying that you think something is fair. Objective standards are criteria that are outside the specific negotiation; something both sides can look at and agree is fair. For example, if you’re buying or selling a house, you would want to know what similar houses have sold for recently. ‘Objective criteria’ needs to be independent of each side's will.

Invent options for mutual gain.
A good negotiator is creative. It’s important to broaden the options on the table rather than look for a single answer. One idea is to have a brainstorming session in your negotiation where all involved try to come up with creative ideas. It’s important to set two ground rules: first, no criticism is allowed of the options that are being generated;
second, no commitment to the options – they are options, not offers.

If we free ourselves from having to worry about whether an option is a good one, we’re more likely to come up with creative options.

Remember the men in the office? The only option they saw was opening or closing the window in the room they were both sitting in. In fact, there are many options: borrow a sweater, open a window in another room, move to a different spot, etc.

Search for mutual gain. In a negotiation, both sides can be worse off and both sides can gain. Remember, this is not about "I win" and "you lose".

Invent ways of making the other party's decisions easy.
Since a successful negotiation requires both parties to agree, make it easy for the other side to choose. This is where putting yourself in the other person's shoes can be very valuable. What might prevent "Jim" from agreeing? Can you do anything to change those things?

Finally,

There are the three words we want to hear even more than “I Love you”. We love to hear those magic words, “You are right”. For some people, this is even harder to say than “I love you”. When someone says, “It is the principle that counts” or “It is not the money, it’s the principle!” the negotiation is in trouble. That is because the party is making a decision that it is more important to be a martyr than settle the dispute. When someone is obsessed with the principle of a situation, they are still emotionally vested in their feelings. Unless you can get beyond those emotions, the dispute is not likely to be resolved. The most important thing to remember in negotiation is that You don’t have to be right to settle.

Using an Indian Talking Stick

Communicating thoughts and ideas with others can be a problem. Others may disagree with you and have suggestions of their own that they wish to eagerly air. Sometimes you get a group of people at a meeting all shouting at once or a family dispute with all trying to get you to agree with them and not listening to your point of view. The Native Americans had a remedy for this by using something called a talking stick.

Sticks were important to the early American Indians. Sticks were used to plant corn, to beat drums, as pipes and flutes, as walking aides, and as weapons.

The Talking Stick

The Talking Stick was taken to council meetings or gatherings and used as a symbol of the speaker's importance. The person doing the talking or teaching would bring his or her own Talking Stick but if responses were called for or were sought by the speaker the stick could be passed on to others and they, too, would be given respect and attention. Often, an "Answering Feather" was used. The feather would be passed to persons wanting to respond to the main talker.

Here’s how this idea can be used in any dispute or meeting situation:

Any item can be designated for use as an Indian talking stick if one is not available. Use a feather, pen or pencil, rock or shell. What is important is that the object is designated as empowering the speaker with the right of uninterrupted speech.

When using an Indian talking stick it is important for all to agree that the individual who has the stick is to be allowed to speak without interruption until they are finished.

Perhaps you could design a family talking stick. It can be a thick tree branch decoratively wrapped with leather straps or a fluffy magic wand made of lace, beads and glitter. It can be a twig of any length. It can be plain or decorated with feathers and ribbon. Each family member can participate in the designing one stick for everyone’s use or each family member can have an individual talking stick. Designate a special place to store the family’s talking sticks so everyone knows where it is when it’s needed.

Decide when to use the talking stick. A talking stick can be used at family meetings or spontaneously when members want to express themselves. Talk about how your family or team want to incorporate this communication tool.

Take turns with the talking stick. At meetings each person takes a turn holding the stick. The person holding the stick has the floor until they’ve said all that they want to say. As long as the person is holding the stick, no interrupting is allowed. The talking stick gives the speaker a chance to reveal all of his concerns. When the speaker has said all that he wants to say, he holds out the talking stick and whoever wishes to speak next takes it. The stick is passed from one person to another until everyone has had an opportunity to speak. If a person wants to use the stick spontaneously, that means that the family listens closely to what is being expressed.

Demonstrate respect for the talking stick holder. The person holding the stick has accepted the right to speak and does so respectfully. The stick represents the group’s respect for free speech. The stick implies freedom to speak honestly without fear of judgment, humiliation or consequences. No one is judged or put down for speaking from the heart.

Honour the words. The talking stick is a symbol of the power of words. The person who is talking must not dishonor him/herself or the tradition by speaking in a way that dishonors the family. When a person accepts the stick he makes an agreement to speak with honor and respect for the process. The person speaks clearly and kindly.

Incorporate silent listening. No one talks until they’re holding the stick. This silent listening is very effective in keeping the discussion focused and is a respectful, productive way of handling disagreements.

Show consideration for the process. A talking stick is not magic, but the process of the talking stick is powerful and transformative. The magic happens through listening, hearing, and hearing over and over again without threats or lambasting, without rebuttal or criticism.

Remember, only the person with the stick can speak and no one may interrupt or speak until the stick is passed to them.

This simple tool allows everyone to feel valued and listened to. It allows everyone the chance to everybody else’s viewpoint making resolutions and agreements much easier to reach. It’s worked for the Native Americans for hundreds of years. It can work for your group too.

Learn To Laugh More

Research has consistently shown real health benefits from laughter ranging from strengthening the immune system to reducing food cravings, to increasing a person’s threshold for pain. There's even an emerging therapeutic field known as humour therapy to help people heal more quickly.

Laughter connects us with others. Also, laughter is contagious, so if you bring more laughter into your life, you can most likely help others around you to laugh more, and realise these benefits as well. By elevating the mood of those around you, you can reduce their stress levels, and perhaps improve the quality of your experience with them which helps to reduce your stress level even more!

Laughter is one of the best stress management strategies because it's free, convenient, and beneficial in so many ways. Here are some great ways you can get more laughter in your life:

T.V. and Films:
There's no shortage of laughter opportunities from the entertainment, both at the theatre and in the aisles of the video stores, as well as at home with T.V. comedies. Every month or so, my friend and I visit one of the Laurel and Hardy evenings that take place in and around the region. We join other Laurel and Hardy fans and watch these classic old films and just laugh. Even though we’ve all seen them countless times they never fail to reduce everyone to tears of laughter.

When you hear laughter, move toward it.
Sometimes humour and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humour you find in it. When you hear laughter, seek it out and ask, “What’s so funny?”

Laugh With Friends:
Going to a comedy club with friends is another great way to get more laughter. The contagious effects of laughter may mean you'll laugh more than you otherwise would have during the show, plus you'll have jokes to reference at later times. Having friends over for a party or game night is also a great setup for laughter and other good feelings.

Look For The Humour In Your Life:
Instead of complaining about life's frustrations, try to laugh about them. If something is so frustrating or depressing it's ridiculous, realise that you could 'look back on it and laugh.' Think of how it will sound as a story you could tell to your friends, and then see if you can laugh about it now. With this attitude, you may also find yourself being more light-hearted and silly, giving yourself and those around you more to laugh about. Approach life in a more jovial way and you'll find you're less stressed about negative events, and you'll achieve the health benefits of laughter.


'Fake It Until You Make It':
Just as studies show the positive effects of smiling occur whether the smile is faked or real, faked laughter also provides the benefits mentioned above. So smile more often, and fake laughter; you'll still achieve positive effects, and the fake merriment may lead to the real thing.

Join a laughter club.
This is where participants gather in the early morning for the sole purpose of laughing. They are becoming as popular as Rotary Clubs in the United States. In this country there are even telephone laughter clubs where you dial into a conference call to laugh with other people prior to going to work so you all start the day in a great and inspiring way.


Laughing doesn’t just boost the immune system and lessen stress; it can also shave off those calories! Researchers from Vanderbilt University in America locked people in a room to watch comedy clips on TV and found that those who laughed used 20 percent more energy than those who didn’t. So, start laughing for 10 to 15 minutes a day and you will be able to burn off 2.2 kilograms of calories a year!

Laughter is a birthright, a natural part of life. The part of the brain that connects to and facilitates laughter is among the first parts of the nervous system to come on line after birth. Infants begin smiling during the first weeks of life and laugh out loud within months of being born. Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life. Why not start now?

Putting Old Ideas Out Of Your Life

When we are growing up we are told lots of things. We tend to be influenced mostly by our parents, teachers, relatives and friends. When we start working, co-workers and bosses teach us things too. Unfortunately, nobody is perfect and often what we are taught ends up hindering rather than helping. Sadly the people who loved us and wanted the best for us sometimes unwittingly led us down the wrong path.

It’s important to realise that those people did the best they could. They honestly thought that they were acting with your best interest at heart. The chances are though that they were teaching you how they viewed the world – it’s limits and it’s possibilities. However, what is right or true for one isn’t necessarily right or true for all. It’s useful for us to gain a different perspective.

It is amazing how people will defend the belief system that they have even when the evidence against is overwhelming. Their ego tells them that changing will mean admitting that they or even worse, the people that they love dearly are wrong. This is something that most people can’t do. They would rather struggle through life repeating the same patterns of belief or behaviour that’s been duplicated for generations. This is why most people tend to lead unfulfilled lives.
An example of this phenomenon occurred in Japan. In the 1980s, Japanese managers were widely praised as role models for leadership behaviour. Books were written and "benchmarking trips" were organized so that leaders from around the world could learn from their success. Unfortunately, the style that worked in the 1980s did not work in the 1990s. Rapid changes in technology, the economy, the role of manufacturing and the workforce made the Japanese management approach far less desirable. It has taken two decades for many Japanese leaders to admit that their previous approach was no longer working and accept that change was needed.

Only a small percentage of people take the time to question what ideas they are carrying in their heads and how they got there. But by doing this you open yourself to releasing the patterns that invariably hold you back. If you really want to create the life that you truly deserve, it’s going to require you letting go of all those ideas that keep you from achieving it.
Successful people operate under an entirely different set of ideals to people who struggle through life. Here are 10 common beliefs of some of the most successful people I’ve met.

1. I believe I am 100% responsible for my own life.
2. Whether I believe I can or I can’t my results equal my belief.
3. I believe failure is a great teacher that leads me closer to success.
4. I believe no task is too small to give my best effort.
5. I believe it's what I know and who I know.
6. I believe in asking "What can I do right now to make things better?"
7. I believe in valuing and respecting self and others equally.
8. Whether I look for opportunities or obstacles I find what I’m looking for.
9. I believe in something greater than myself.
10. I control my thoughts, my thoughts control my beliefs, my beliefs control my actions, my actions create my success or failure.

Take a look at the beliefs that you have concerning love, happiness, relationships, money, success, debt, and motivation. Are there some ideas you hold that are currently holding you back?

If wealth is a goal of yours, why haven't you achieved it? What is it that you are missing? Do you think that it is too hard? Is it really any harder to be wealthy than to work for someone else?

Do you believe that you have what it takes to be successful? Is the way that you view yourself keeping you from moving forward? What role does fear play in your life? Is the idea that you will fail preventing you from acting? What if you believed that failure was not possible? How would that change you life?

Keep asking yourself these types of questions until you uncover what ideas are hindering your path to your dream life. Once you’ve uncovered those ideas ask yourself, “Is this belief really true?” Usually, you will discover that your limiting beliefs are baseless and that they were just implanted in your mind by someone else who themselves were never successful. Ask yourself, “What will happen if I continue living with that belief? And what will happen if I replaced this belief with a strong, supporting one?” Powerful questions can covert an average person to a success champion.

Hypnosis may slow onset of dementia

Jul 29 2008 Liverpool Daily Post

A SCIENTIST at the University of Liverpool has found hypnosis can slow down the effects of dementia and improve quality of life for people living with the condition.

Forensic psychologist Dr Simon Duff looked at how hypnosis compared to a type of group therapy in which participants were encouraged to discuss news and current affairs.

They found that people living with dementia who had received hypnosis therapy showed an improvement in concentration, memory and socialisation compared to two other groups. Relaxation, motivation and daily activities also improved with hypnosis.

Dr Duff said: “Over a nine-month period of weekly sessions, it became clear that the participants attending the discussion group remained the same throughout. The group who received treatment ‘as usual’ showed a small decline over the assessment period, yet those having regular hypnosis sessions showed real improvement across all the areas we looked at.

“Participants who are aware of the onset of dementia may become depressed and anxious at their gradual loss of cognitive ability and so hypnosis, which is a tool for relaxation, can really help.”

Further research will establish whether hypnosis maintains its effects.

Rescuing A Bad First Impression

A few years ago I was reading a magazine while I was waiting to get my hair cut. There was a letter from a girl recalling an embarrassing incident that happened to her. She was going for an interview and had made a huge effort to look great.

Apparently she had arrived early and so went to the cafe across the road to have a coffee and steady her nerves. As she left the cafe she tripped over an umbrella that was poking out from behind an elderly gentleman’s seat. She ended up sprawled face first over this gentleman's full English breakfast and her outfit was covered. She was so upset that unfortunately she screamed and swore at the man for his carelessness despite his profuse apologies. She went into the toilets to try to clean herself off and when she emerged the man was gone and she made her way to the interview intending to apologise for her appearance and explain. When she arrived, who was the interviewer? That's right - the man from the cafe! She didn't get the job purely because of her reaction and lack of courtesy to an elderly man when things had gone wrong.

You never have a second chance to make a first impression, so what happens when that first impression is a negative one?

Have any of these situations happened to you? Forgetting your client’s name, unintentionally insulting a co-worker, sending a racy e-mail to the wrong person, or asking a woman’s due date when she’s not pregnant?

If we lived in a perfect world none of these things would happen, but the truth is, we all make mistakes. Great communicators are not only aware of how their actions impact on others; they also know how to respond in uncomfortable situations. If handled properly, mistakes can actually serve to strengthen your image and help you gain respect. If you’ve committed a social faux pas here are some ways you can recover.

Apologize Immediately. Time is of the essence when it comes to damage control for your image. As soon as you realize that you may have offended someone, address it. The more time that passes, the more the story can become blown out of proportion. Last impressions stick just as surely as first impressions, So take control of the situation by making your last impression a positive, sincere apology.

Avoid Over-Apologizing. Saying you’re sorry is important, but overdoing it can create another uncomfortable situation. First, your goal in apologizing is to acknowledge your mistake and re-position yourself as being responsible and sensitive. If you repeatedly bring up the past, groveling and begging for forgiveness, you’re defeating your purpose. Second, it puts the other person in the uncomfortable position of having to constantly reassure you. Eventually that person may choose to avoid you altogether.

Don’t make assumptions about the other person. It’s easy to assume that others think the worst of you, but usually what we imagine is far worse than reality. Approach your apology by owning your feelings rather than telling others how you assume they feel. This gives you a chance to test their viewpoint and get a real handle on the situation. So, instead of starting out with, “You must think I’m a total idiot…” speak for yourself, “I feel bad about how I behaved yesterday because I realized I might have offended you. Did you feel the same way?” Starting out this way also prevents over-apologizing because the other person may think it was no big deal.

Be Sincere in your apology. No matter what the circumstances, a sincere apology requires three steps. Firstly, own what happened fully without blaming it on other people or circumstances. Secondly, once you know, acknowledge how your actions affected the other person - which means listening without defending yourself. Thirdly, commit to what you will do differently in the future to avoid making the same mistake.

Try something like, “I want to apologize for what I said yesterday. From what you’ve told me, I can hear how much my comments offended you and caused embarrassment. I want you to know that in the future I will be more sensitive.”

Apologize in person. Please don’t hide behind e-mail. No matter how embarrassing it might be, the most sincere apologies are given in person. If that's not possible, pick up the phone. Face-to-face communication is necessary for feedback and clarification. The last thing you want to do is prolong or create another misunderstanding.

Sometimes Humour can work well. Depending on the situation, a little self-deprecating humour can save you. It breaks the tension and provides an opening for you to recover. Make sure it’s directed only at you and doesn’t increase anybody else’s level of discomfort. Be careful not to over do it. Too much self-deprecation can have the same effect as over-apologizing.

Great Telephone Interviews

More and more organisations are saving time and effort by conducting an initial round of telephone interview before calling you for a face to face meeting in their office. Often they ask you in the advert to call them and interview you there and then. If you’re job hunting and you haven’t experienced this yet, it’s likely that you will in the future. A phone interview needs a slightly different approach and needs to be done well if you want that all important second chance, your voice and the way you project yourself over the phone can make all the difference.

Here are some good ways to make the process easier.

1. Visit the employers' website
Prior to the interview, (not just an hour before!), Visit the employers' website and learn about the firm. Most companies upload the job specifications in the 'career' or 'work with us' section of the website. This will give you a fair idea about the key skills required for a certain role. It may be that you can find some snippet of news or information regarding something you have experience or knowledge of that you can drop into the conversation if appropriate.

2. Also prior to the interview Make notes
Keep some notes ready about the job description and your key strengths and accomplishments. It's a good idea to keep your CV in front of you as well. It all helps to jog your memory and prevent you forgetting things you really wanted to get across. Remember, they can’t see you so they can't see if you’ve got these documents for review.

3. Make some Practice calls
Call a friend from the actual phone you will use for the call and ask them to listen to your voice on the phone. Maybe your voice shrills; you speak too softly or too fast to be understood. You might discover a poor quality or dodgy microphone on the handset you didn’t realise you had. Ask for feedback and request that they critique your voice. If you need to then use another phone – Remember you won’t get a second chance!

4. Once you call them Get to the point fast
Make sure you choose an appropriate time and find a comfortable and relaxed setting for the call. Many bosses can tell you about calls people have made during their lunch breaks and needed to go outside the building for privacy and ended up losing reception on their mobile phones. Don’t put yourself in this position. Instead schedule the call for a more convenient time when you know you will be in a quiet, uninterrupted location without the concern of being overheard. This also gives you the chance to relax and gather your thoughts before the call.
The employer is already expecting calls from candidates. They know why you’re calling, so don't waste their time by giving them a reference of where you saw their advertisement or asking them, if there are any openings. Greet them, state your name and get to the point. Keep a glass of water ready next to you. Sometimes nerves can give you a dry mouth.

5. Keep a note pad and pen ready
Listen to what they ask and write down their questions so that you can stay on topic. Too often, people forget the original question and beat around the bush like a politician, sometimes saying something they later wish they hadn’t. Stay on target Put yourself in the shoes of the interviewer and provide clear, well thought-through answers to give them the information they require.

6. Keep your voice positive and energetic
Your voice is the only sales tool you have. At all costs stop yourself from sounding tired or uninterested over the phone. Stay energetic and excited, even if they've asked you the same question again. Sometimes an interviewer will ask you the same question in a different way to try to spot inconsistencies. Speak clearly and allow the interviewer time to make notes and probe further on your answers.

Also try to be standing up - an erect and confident poise will help your voice come across more confidently.

7. Be courteous
Be courteous and try not to speak over the interviewer or cut them off. If you do, say "I apologise for interrupting, please complete your question" and let the interviewer continue.

Sooner or later, if you are determined about your career progression it is an audition you will have to get through, so it makes sense to get up to speed with the fundamentals now.